Sunday, June 1, 2008

maria mena

she is all kinds of awesome. i fell in love with her music one day, watching a music programme, where she played "just a little bit" - just her and her guitar. she has been struggling with an ED for a long time, and i feel like i can relate to her lyrics on so many levels.
and it's easy listening, but good! definitely a good choice for chillout days and biking around the city. i listen to it when i feel really depressed or eating disordered, and it makes me feel like i can get myself out of the big black hole.

i want to share a song, it's called "this bottle of wine"

and this one's called "our battles"

so.. can you guess i've had a hard weekend? yesterday was fucked up, i went into this horrible argument with my boyfriend, treated him like shit, yelled at him, cried, did a bunch of laxatives, cried some more while starring at the bottle, scratched my underarm with my nails to get the pain to dissapear. i told him i didn't want to be with him anymore, that i didn't love him, that i wanted out and to get away. i knew it wasn't true, i just couldn't stop myself. i felt like i just had to get away from him, to make his life better. i made him cry. i made him cry and i felt so bad, and told him that it wasn't true, that i love him, that i want to be with him, but i just don't know how, that i know i'm hurting him by hurting myself, that i am a bad person to be with. he told me that he loves me and wants to be with me no matter what. that we're buying an apartment together cause we are gonna be together forever.
i feel like the worst person in the world, the worst girlfriend in the world, but it's gonna be okay. i need to stop getting mad at him, when i can't keep my feelings inside anymore. i need to start acting on my feeling when i feel them, not hide them away and ignore them.
i have a feeling that this is gonna be a though year. but at least we've got each other. even when he's gonna be away for 6 months, he's still gonna be only few hours away, and we will see each other every weekend. it's gonna be hard as hell, and i am gonna feel alone and not be able to control my eating, but somehow i think it's better to get to try, and not be 100% addicted to him. i mean, i can always call him and ask him to come home. right? they can't force you to stay there, right? i am so scared.

1 comment:

Rose said...

reading your post about your fight with your boyfriend is like reading about every big fight i've had with my boyfriend, and how i feel about it. i just wanted to say that, from what i know of you, you are an incredibly strong woman and that you will get through this.

shoot me an email if you want to talk at all.