elizabethtown

i think it is my favourite movie. but i must confess i do have a thing for kirsten dunst. she is lovely.

making baby stuff

i decided that i have too much stuff. i need to figure out what i actually need, and what i have cause i'm a collector of everything. and i have plenty of it.
so i went through my books, and found about 20 that i don't really like. and i went through my clothes and i had SO much that i know i will never wear again. so i thought to myself, that i should do something with it. a lot of it is not something that anyone will love, a lot of stuff i've redesigned or made smaller, and i don't think anyone would like to get it. but it's a shame, it's a whole lotta cotton. and i have a very good friend who is 5 months pregnant. this could easily be combined into something very very cool. like, baby clothes! and bibs! so this is my new project. i will make something tomorrow i think, and then i'll just try my way through it. thank the it-geeks for the internet.

also, we just watched the very last episode of "Alias". it is the coolest tv show ever, and i feel kind of sad that i am never gonna see sydney bristow do her thing again, and sad that sark is never gonna look hot and evil again, and sad that i am not gonna feel the rush of the whole show again. i will of course watch it over and over, but it is never the same.
at least it's been a while since i saw sex and the city the last time!

shopaholic, me? -no.

jesus-motherfucking-christ. i have been shopping waaaaaay too much this month. it is bad. but at least i'm well dressed. oh, and because we're going to london, i just HAD to get myself a weekend-bag, black fake-leather, and very stylish and perfectly casual but still dressy. yes sir. oh, and a pair of j. lindeberg jeans. and a pair of nice green-and-white high-top shoes. and a pink babydoll dress. and a short grey cardigan. and another pair of jeans. and a new wintercoat. ( i still love my big purpleish winterjacket, and my black trenchcoat, and my black oversized organic cotton coat, but..). oh, and my friend offered to book an appointment with her hairdresser for me and her to go together, my hair needs a decent cut. and i should also dye it before we go, it is starting to show the brown..

we're going to london soon!

i've been thinking about going somewhere in december. to get away from my everyday routine, and to experience something new and positive. i was thinking about going to france, i have some friends there, but we've already been in france twice the past year. and i can't really deal with foreign languages at the moment. i don't really have the patience to get lost or try to translate the word "vegan" to someone working at a french bistro. no thanks.
i want a place where i can communiate with people, where i don't get lost, where i can get vegan food; london!
so talked to the boy, he was interested, within the hour we had found a hotel and we're buying the plane tickets tomorrow.
i am exited! i like london! london is pretty, it has plenty of museums (boy likes art), and a shitload of gorgeous vegan restaurants! and the hotel is nice, and we can do our christmas shopping there (no need to worry about that before, then). oh, and i will GET AWAY FROM THIS SHITTY COUNTRY! don't get me wrong. i love copenhagen. i just need a small trip away to be able to feel that lovin' feeling again.
so i have a list of things i need to do:
1) go to restaurants
2) shop
3) relax and hang out with the boy and enjoy king-sized bed
4) walk around and feel totally in love

i hope to be able to meet a few of my friends from the ppk there, but i'm not exactly sure we'll have the time. i'll figure out later. but it would be pretty fucking awesome.

ps. i wonder if this is the reboost i need to live through christmas?

random thoughts in the night.

i have become pretty fucking different in the past six months or so. everything is different than it used to be. i get anxiety from having to do things. not a lot, but still. i feel overwhelmed. i cannot stand the thought of having to do things. not even two tiny things like getting out of bed and showering, and eating lunch. sometimes i actually wake up and feel like i can be a part of the world, but most days i wake up at noon, feeling like i have to hide in bed all day. i wake up, and if i have to do something it takes twice the amount of time it usually would.
some days i never really leave my bed at all. the laptop makes it easier, but if it's not around i'll just read a book, or even drag myself to the couch with my pillow and blanket, and watch tv. or sleep.
when i hang out with friends i just feel like i am lying to them, when we make plans, cause i know as soon as they are not around i will forget or it will make me stressed out or i will call them and tell them i'm sick, and then feel bad for lying. it makes me a bad friend, and not very trustworthy.

and then there's the shopping. i am a master at spending money. i don't know, i think i spend around $800 - $1000 this month on shoes and clothes alone. and i don't have a job. i don't even leave the house most days. but those days i do, i can spend hours on putting on the perfect outfit, make my hair look good but not like i tried, and put on makeup, not enough for people to notice the time i spend doing it, but enough so i don't look like a person that is never leaving my house.
i get obsessed with shopping, with getting new clothes, new styles, things to make me prettier, cooler, thinner, above all, thinner.

and i can't sleep at normal times. right now it is in the middle of the night, and i feel like it will be impossible to sleep for the next two-three hours. my boyfriend is still awake and i feel bad for him not being able to sleep, but i can't drag myself to bed now, i know i won't be able to leave it anytime soon.

i have this mirror, that i have to look at all the time. i look at my waist, my thighs, my breasts, my belly. i try to cover up the fat, there is way too much fat, and no matter how hard i try, i cannot make it go away. i live off coffee and tea some days. eat way too much candy other days, but then i don't eat anything else. i use the laxatives to emptry myself, i love the feeling of having nothing inside of me. it makes more room for the feelings. i don't have to deal with them as much, if i am empty.
i wanna feel beautiful. but it is so hard, when it is such a long time, since i let go of the happy me, and all i see is a miserable, stupid, lazy, fat girl, with no life.

i hate this. i am gonna call a therapist tomorrow. i think. maybe. if i can get myself to do it.

Woohoo! A brand new blog!

ok. so those of you who know me, know that uhm, i used to have this other blog, but uhm, i kind of forgot the password, and which email adress i used to login. so it is now officially dead. haha.

so i though this is the perfect time to start a brand new blog, with a brand-spankin'-new design and other goodies too. like, me being more grown up. and having more things to share here. and my own digitalcamera! so now the food porn and the recipes and the good stories and whatnot will be posted more regularly than ever. also, i've been a couple of months in school to learn a bit about webdesign and i hope that in some way this place will show a bit more sophistication and be better all over.

some of you might also know that i've been dealing with some crazy shit lately, and i want this place to be my safe-place. this means that i will probably not answer comments about how lame me and my (vegan) lifestyle is, or other bullshit. i have no need to argue with anyone online, i am gonna use this place to share the things that are important in my life.
but then again, maybe i will answer.

so i think you can consider this an online diary with food porn, recipes, pictures etc. included. i am not sure anyone will read this, and i have absolutely NO intentions of sharing this safe-place with anyone i know in real life. i like to share a lot more with my online communities than i would with most of the people i know.

some of the things i will be blogging about will be personal issues, that i am having a hard time with right now. but i am dealing with it, and my closest friends and family knows about it. i am not alone with this, even if i sometime expresses myself like i am all alone. i am not. i have some of the best friends and family there is out there.
at the moment i am not really doing anything, i only work thursdays, and i spend waaay too much time on the internet. but it is ok for now.

i hope you will enjoy the reading!