random thoughts in the night.

i have become pretty fucking different in the past six months or so. everything is different than it used to be. i get anxiety from having to do things. not a lot, but still. i feel overwhelmed. i cannot stand the thought of having to do things. not even two tiny things like getting out of bed and showering, and eating lunch. sometimes i actually wake up and feel like i can be a part of the world, but most days i wake up at noon, feeling like i have to hide in bed all day. i wake up, and if i have to do something it takes twice the amount of time it usually would.
some days i never really leave my bed at all. the laptop makes it easier, but if it's not around i'll just read a book, or even drag myself to the couch with my pillow and blanket, and watch tv. or sleep.
when i hang out with friends i just feel like i am lying to them, when we make plans, cause i know as soon as they are not around i will forget or it will make me stressed out or i will call them and tell them i'm sick, and then feel bad for lying. it makes me a bad friend, and not very trustworthy.

and then there's the shopping. i am a master at spending money. i don't know, i think i spend around $800 - $1000 this month on shoes and clothes alone. and i don't have a job. i don't even leave the house most days. but those days i do, i can spend hours on putting on the perfect outfit, make my hair look good but not like i tried, and put on makeup, not enough for people to notice the time i spend doing it, but enough so i don't look like a person that is never leaving my house.
i get obsessed with shopping, with getting new clothes, new styles, things to make me prettier, cooler, thinner, above all, thinner.

and i can't sleep at normal times. right now it is in the middle of the night, and i feel like it will be impossible to sleep for the next two-three hours. my boyfriend is still awake and i feel bad for him not being able to sleep, but i can't drag myself to bed now, i know i won't be able to leave it anytime soon.

i have this mirror, that i have to look at all the time. i look at my waist, my thighs, my breasts, my belly. i try to cover up the fat, there is way too much fat, and no matter how hard i try, i cannot make it go away. i live off coffee and tea some days. eat way too much candy other days, but then i don't eat anything else. i use the laxatives to emptry myself, i love the feeling of having nothing inside of me. it makes more room for the feelings. i don't have to deal with them as much, if i am empty.
i wanna feel beautiful. but it is so hard, when it is such a long time, since i let go of the happy me, and all i see is a miserable, stupid, lazy, fat girl, with no life.

i hate this. i am gonna call a therapist tomorrow. i think. maybe. if i can get myself to do it.